write cmnts
cheap is good;
it's how anyone feels anything anymore
17 February 2009 @ 05:39 pm
17 January 2009 @ 03:32 pm
i was feeling a little less cynical than normal this morning, and i was productive and i was in a good mood. and then for some reason andrew decides to vent to me about how much his 09 sucks and how he cries all the time. so of course i ask him why and he goes off on how his old neighbor died and she was miserable and how her daughter died and she drank all the time and had a stroke and then she died and how she hated her son. and then he tells me he got dumped and he hates short relationships and blah blah blah. he keeps complaining he gets hurt too much and he wants a lasting relationship but i'm sorry, we are sohpmores in high school, we are children, we don't need 6 month relationships. most people our age get bored with relationships after a few weeks, and of course they are going to leave when there is nothing left to hold them together. i don't want to listen to andrew complain to me anymore, but i can't just be like, 'hay, shut the fuck up.' im trying to be reassuring but how can i be when im not totally happy either? i explained to him the rule of 3s, whatever you put into the universe comes back to you 3 fold. i think it made him feel better, but in the back of my head, i'm thinking this sadness of his, is the universe sending something back to him. i know he's hurt people (badly) and i cant help but think this is the universe punishing him. i feel bad for him, but what am i supposed to do? i can't do anything.
well, last night i wrote down my worst fear. i wrote about death and why it scares me and how afraid i am and everything. it was so hard to write, but now, i feel so good. i cried while i wrote it, and when i reread it, i was afraid i would start crying again. but i didnt, i felt so calm and ok, and now why fear it tapped onto a canvas i painted. every time i walk into my room and i see it, i feel a little pull in my heart, but then i feel okay. i'm not really sure how to explain it, but it was such a great release. it helped, which was a surprise.
oh, btw, i'm sixteen now. my birthday was monday. i don't feel any different, but i havent felt any different in awhile. i get my license next month, so i have something to look forward too. i haven't done anything for my birthday yet, and i don't really think i'm gunna. thats okay. i'm just too indecisive. i've been waiting since i was little to be 16, and now i am, and it's no different than being 15. i wish there was more definition between ages like that because i wanna feel older and different and i don't. oh well, oh well.
im a little sad right now but im okay. and if i'm not really okay, i will be. i think i might be waiting for something.
well, last night i wrote down my worst fear. i wrote about death and why it scares me and how afraid i am and everything. it was so hard to write, but now, i feel so good. i cried while i wrote it, and when i reread it, i was afraid i would start crying again. but i didnt, i felt so calm and ok, and now why fear it tapped onto a canvas i painted. every time i walk into my room and i see it, i feel a little pull in my heart, but then i feel okay. i'm not really sure how to explain it, but it was such a great release. it helped, which was a surprise.
oh, btw, i'm sixteen now. my birthday was monday. i don't feel any different, but i havent felt any different in awhile. i get my license next month, so i have something to look forward too. i haven't done anything for my birthday yet, and i don't really think i'm gunna. thats okay. i'm just too indecisive. i've been waiting since i was little to be 16, and now i am, and it's no different than being 15. i wish there was more definition between ages like that because i wanna feel older and different and i don't. oh well, oh well.
im a little sad right now but im okay. and if i'm not really okay, i will be. i think i might be waiting for something.
face: 
discontent
discontentears: playlist
05 January 2009 @ 07:11 pm
see im trying to remember to update this. it'll probualy only last for a bit, but oh well.
( read about my septum piercing! )
i've realized that im so much more lonely than i used to be. i've lost a lot of friends and it's just sad. some of them i'm getting closer with, hopefully. but others, the relationship is just thinning. and then there i go, making new friends, getting closer to other people, kicking my old friends to the curb. not so much on purpose though, but you know, it's still sad. the price of me making a new friend is that i loose another in the end. for some reason, i cant juggle people. i cant have my old friends and my new friends touching and they cant know the same things and theres specific time slots for everyone. it just seems so wrong. why cant i just keep everyone? maybe thats too much to ask? i don't deserve all the good people in my life, i know i don't. but then why do i have to meet more good people and push the old ones away? i get so abosorbed with new things and it seems like i don't have time for anything that isn't new. maybe that is going back to the whole idea of "i crave change and im not getting it so maybe my subconcious is changing for me and i'm not really changing for the better." i dont know, i feel like im changing for the better, but then to hear everyone say all of this and tell me im ruining myself and im turning into something i dont want to be. maybe i have a disorted sense of myself. i already know that, but i never thought it would apply to my personality. like i have a blind fold over my eyes and cant really see anything for myself but i feel good but i heard bad opinions and its contradicting myself and i don't really know what is true and what isn't. maybe what everyone telling me is a lie and that im actaully right, im changing for the better. that im not really pushing people away. but maybe im wrong and im not changing for the better and im losing everyone and it's just a horrible thought and i really hate thinking. whenever i get into moods like this i get so down, that i just don't want to think anymore. i just want to sleep. or do something to get my mind off of it. well that thought brings me back, but i won't say anything to that. that thought was just not something i'd say aloud right now. i still feel horrible about everything but at the same time i feel wonderful, and maybe i am bipolar. my ups and my downs, so frequent and fast. i don't really think i'm bipolar, i think i'm just full of it. but you know, maybe i am. i kinda have a thought that i should talk to someone lately because of how down im feeling and i dont know, i think it would help. but then again, i dont think it would. i think i woud clam up again and stuff it inside. maybe this is what i get for doing that. when i really needed the help i refused it and i stuffed it inside and i locked it away, and ever since that ive been fine. a few little slip ups here and there never hurt anyone, especially not me. ha, what a pun. maybe because i forced myself to forget about it, that i was just surpressing everything and that now it's all leaking back out and wants air and wants to breathe and be alive. it sounds so stupid, but then again, it doesn't. maybe thats part of this too, the whole, "weird thought process." i dont know, i feel so indecisive and whatnot right now, and now i'm just blue. but you know, im also too afraid to actaully ask to talk to someone so i guess i get to sit here in my self-loathing and ferment. maybe i'll grow so big that no one cannot help but notice and then someone will be forced to do/say something. wow this sounds like a cry for help, though this really isnt. it's just thoughts, spilling over and needed to be spoken so they don't bounce around in my head.
wow.
( read about my septum piercing! )
i've realized that im so much more lonely than i used to be. i've lost a lot of friends and it's just sad. some of them i'm getting closer with, hopefully. but others, the relationship is just thinning. and then there i go, making new friends, getting closer to other people, kicking my old friends to the curb. not so much on purpose though, but you know, it's still sad. the price of me making a new friend is that i loose another in the end. for some reason, i cant juggle people. i cant have my old friends and my new friends touching and they cant know the same things and theres specific time slots for everyone. it just seems so wrong. why cant i just keep everyone? maybe thats too much to ask? i don't deserve all the good people in my life, i know i don't. but then why do i have to meet more good people and push the old ones away? i get so abosorbed with new things and it seems like i don't have time for anything that isn't new. maybe that is going back to the whole idea of "i crave change and im not getting it so maybe my subconcious is changing for me and i'm not really changing for the better." i dont know, i feel like im changing for the better, but then to hear everyone say all of this and tell me im ruining myself and im turning into something i dont want to be. maybe i have a disorted sense of myself. i already know that, but i never thought it would apply to my personality. like i have a blind fold over my eyes and cant really see anything for myself but i feel good but i heard bad opinions and its contradicting myself and i don't really know what is true and what isn't. maybe what everyone telling me is a lie and that im actaully right, im changing for the better. that im not really pushing people away. but maybe im wrong and im not changing for the better and im losing everyone and it's just a horrible thought and i really hate thinking. whenever i get into moods like this i get so down, that i just don't want to think anymore. i just want to sleep. or do something to get my mind off of it. well that thought brings me back, but i won't say anything to that. that thought was just not something i'd say aloud right now. i still feel horrible about everything but at the same time i feel wonderful, and maybe i am bipolar. my ups and my downs, so frequent and fast. i don't really think i'm bipolar, i think i'm just full of it. but you know, maybe i am. i kinda have a thought that i should talk to someone lately because of how down im feeling and i dont know, i think it would help. but then again, i dont think it would. i think i woud clam up again and stuff it inside. maybe this is what i get for doing that. when i really needed the help i refused it and i stuffed it inside and i locked it away, and ever since that ive been fine. a few little slip ups here and there never hurt anyone, especially not me. ha, what a pun. maybe because i forced myself to forget about it, that i was just surpressing everything and that now it's all leaking back out and wants air and wants to breathe and be alive. it sounds so stupid, but then again, it doesn't. maybe thats part of this too, the whole, "weird thought process." i dont know, i feel so indecisive and whatnot right now, and now i'm just blue. but you know, im also too afraid to actaully ask to talk to someone so i guess i get to sit here in my self-loathing and ferment. maybe i'll grow so big that no one cannot help but notice and then someone will be forced to do/say something. wow this sounds like a cry for help, though this really isnt. it's just thoughts, spilling over and needed to be spoken so they don't bounce around in my head.
wow.
ears: jack off jill