cheap is good;

new life

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:40:13 GMT

brrrtny.tumblr.com

this is where i'm at now.

sweet sixteen; fall out

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 21:52:24 GMT

i was feeling a little less cynical than normal this morning, and i was productive and i was in a good mood. and then for some reason andrew decides to vent to me about how much his 09 sucks and how he cries all the time. so of course i ask him why and he goes off on how his old neighbor died and she was miserable and how her daughter died and she drank all the time and had a stroke and then she died and how she hated her son. and then he tells me he got dumped and he hates short relationships and blah blah blah. he keeps complaining he gets hurt too much and he wants a lasting relationship but i'm sorry, we are sohpmores in high school, we are children, we don't need 6 month relationships. most people our age get bored with relationships after a few weeks, and of course they are going to leave when there is nothing left to hold them together. i don't want to listen to andrew complain to me anymore, but i can't just be like, 'hay, shut the fuck up.' im trying to be reassuring but how can i be when im not totally happy either? i explained to him the rule of 3s, whatever you put into the universe comes back to you 3 fold. i think it made him feel better, but in the back of my head, i'm thinking this sadness of his, is the universe sending something back to him. i know he's hurt people (badly) and i cant help but think this is the universe punishing him. i feel bad for him, but what am i supposed to do? i can't do anything.

well, last night i wrote down my worst fear. i wrote about death and why it scares me and how afraid i am and everything. it was so hard to write, but now, i feel so good. i cried while i wrote it, and when i reread it, i was afraid i would start crying again. but i didnt, i felt so calm and ok, and now why fear it tapped onto a canvas i painted. every time i walk into my room and i see it, i feel a little pull in my heart, but then i feel okay. i'm not really sure how to explain it, but it was such a great release. it helped, which was a surprise.

oh, btw, i'm sixteen now. my birthday was monday. i don't feel any different, but i havent felt any different in awhile. i get my license next month, so i have something to look forward too. i haven't done anything for my birthday yet, and i don't really think i'm gunna. thats okay. i'm just too indecisive. i've been waiting since i was little to be 16, and now i am, and it's no different than being 15. i wish there was more definition between ages like that because i wanna feel older and different and i don't. oh well, oh well.

im a little sad right now but im okay. and if i'm not really okay, i will be. i think i might be waiting for something.

fermenting and spilling and growing all over the place

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 01:28:27 GMT

see im trying to remember to update this. it'll probualy only last for a bit, but oh well.

ah yes, i also got my septum pierced but my mom still hasnt seen it, i've had it for about 2 weeks? well yea, she hasn't seen it. here i'll post a picture, even though it's not a very good one. well, i had billy pierce it since he pierced my lip and why not? 15 bucks. i think it's a pretty good deal, seeing as he pierces with piercing needles. but whatever. well i like it but not many others do but that's okay, since it's my face.

i've realized that im so much more lonely than i used to be. i've lost a lot of friends and it's just sad. some of them i'm getting closer with, hopefully. but others, the relationship is just thinning. and then there i go, making new friends, getting closer to other people, kicking my old friends to the curb. not so much on purpose though, but you know, it's still sad. the price of me making a new friend is that i loose another in the end. for some reason, i cant juggle people. i cant have my old friends and my new friends touching and they cant know the same things and theres specific time slots for everyone. it just seems so wrong. why cant i just keep everyone? maybe thats too much to ask? i don't deserve all the good people in my life, i know i don't. but then why do i have to meet more good people and push the old ones away? i get so abosorbed with new things and it seems like i don't have time for anything that isn't new. maybe that is going back to the whole idea of "i crave change and im not getting it so maybe my subconcious is changing for me and i'm not really changing for the better." i dont know, i feel like im changing for the better, but then to hear everyone say all of this and tell me im ruining myself and im turning into something i dont want to be. maybe i have a disorted sense of myself. i already know that, but i never thought it would apply to my personality. like i have a blind fold over my eyes and cant really see anything for myself but i feel good but i heard bad opinions and its contradicting myself and i don't really know what is true and what isn't. maybe what everyone telling me is a lie and that im actaully right, im changing for the better. that im not really pushing people away. but maybe im wrong and im not changing for the better and im losing everyone and it's just a horrible thought and i really hate thinking. whenever i get into moods like this i get so down, that i just don't want to think anymore. i just want to sleep. or do something to get my mind off of it. well that thought brings me back, but i won't say anything to that. that thought was just not something i'd say aloud right now. i still feel horrible about everything but at the same time i feel wonderful, and maybe i am bipolar. my ups and my downs, so frequent and fast. i don't really think i'm bipolar, i think i'm just full of it. but you know, maybe i am. i kinda have a thought that i should talk to someone lately because of how down im feeling and i dont know, i think it would help. but then again, i dont think it would. i think i woud clam up again and stuff it inside. maybe this is what i get for doing that. when i really needed the help i refused it and i stuffed it inside and i locked it away, and ever since that ive been fine. a few little slip ups here and there never hurt anyone, especially not me. ha, what a pun. maybe because i forced myself to forget about it, that i was just surpressing everything and that now it's all leaking back out and wants air and wants to breathe and be alive. it sounds so stupid, but then again, it doesn't. maybe thats part of this too, the whole, "weird thought process." i dont know, i feel so indecisive and whatnot right now, and now i'm just blue. but you know, im also too afraid to actaully ask to talk to someone so i guess i get to sit here in my self-loathing and ferment. maybe i'll grow so big that no one cannot help but notice and then someone will be forced to do/say something. wow this sounds like a cry for help, though this really isnt. it's just thoughts, spilling over and needed to be spoken so they don't bounce around in my head.

wow.

new ambitions

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:33:09 GMT

i've decided i'm going to use this account again. at least once a week im hoping to make a post for this account. i hate having it here and not using it so i'm gunna use it. this will prolly end up like the last times i try to stick with something but oh well. i'll try to make a real post on here later but it might have to wait till after new years.

these moments are forever alive

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 03:37:22 GMT

i finally have something to talk about. friday was something speacial and it made me realize a few things. it made me realize that i can really be 100% myself around my friends and that they can be the same with me. friday was something i can't really describe because of how meaningful it was. i want to cry thinking about it. i remember it all so clear, it replays in my head like a movie and i can't believe it atcually happened. i don't know what anyone else got from it, but friday made me think about some things and now i have answers to some of my questions. friday i felt horrible and i hated myself all day and i just wanted the day to be over, but then when lucas picked me up and we went to lindsey's and hung out with sarah too and went to Starbucks and Walmart and Trout Valley, i felt so beautiful. i was so happy, and i havent felt that happy in such a long time. i dont even know if there was a different time i have ever felt like that. i wish i could feel like that all the time, and the euphoria from friday night is still affecting me, i can feel it. i never felt more alive.

i feel more like a stranger each day

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:25:54 GMT

hi well i never update but whatever. i dont really care. no one ever really reads this anyways. lindsey keeps telling me to update so i am. finally. ha.

lets see. nothing new. i hate driving. a lot. i'm single. seeing as i can't hold a relationship for the life of me. summer is great, but a little boring. i've met a lot of new people and one of them i kinda like but not totally. i dont know, i'm just in a werid place right now. i'm not really happy with anything but i'm not upset with anything either, i'm more really just there, not caring.

well i have nothing else to say so maybe i will update when i do have something to say. maybe.
bye.

i sleep without dreams and you dream without sleep

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:39:50 GMT

i hate that i never update in this and it just goes to waste. but whatever.

so i dumped mike about 3 weeks ago, then a week later i made out with dylan at joy's party (her party was so much fun!) and a week later we started going out. me and dylan have been going out for a little over a week now, how weird. it feels like much longer. even michelle thinks so too. when i was talking to her today she asked how long me and dylan have been going out and when i said a week, she was like 'wow, it seems like such a longer time. like a month or something.' i've realized something, that dylan will probualy be a summer boyfriend. school is out in like, 5 weeks (ish) and im pretty sure me and dylan will last till then. i really like him. its not just some thing where i was flirting and the guy asked me out, i acually like him, a lot. its so weird, since before we made out i didnt really like him. i think it was just that i didn't know him. i had a tiny crush on him before but it was never something i wouldve made a move on. but then i started talking to him and found out more about him and everything and i just started to really like him. and everytime i see him, i like him even more. and im dissapointed when i dont see him. i havent really liked anyone since knick, because everyone else was kinda there. well, except for joey, i liked him, but not like this ha. i hope this lasts for awhile. i really really do.

well today was my permit test, so i could get into drivers ed. the test was about 35 questions, 20 common sense/rules and 15 signs. i aced the signs and only missed 4 on the other part. the maximum you could miss was 7 or else you would have to retake it, and i got it! hahah i was so happy. i was like 'i just wanna dance' ahhahaha. im so excited. i'll be taking drivers ed this summer, hopefully not at an unbearable time, and then i will be getting my license! my permit is coming in the mail sometime in the next two-ish weeks so then i will be out on the roads hahahhaha. when i told tony i passed he said 'well once you get the real permit, im going to make sure my truck is broken' hahaha it was funny.

well i am making myself some noodles so i am going to go attend to them! (:

i disgust you, you disgust me, its all over

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 00:07:31 GMT

so i dont know what to write about. my mom knows about my lip ring and isnt making me take it out. i have a boyfriend again, his name is mike. my life is boring, but i'm meeting new people and i'm changing again. i dont know what i want from people and i dont really care. i'm trying to be more laid back and fun, and i dont know if it is working.

me and sam are still not talking, i think this is the end of our friendship. i was told i have to apoligize but fuck that, i didnt do anything wrong cept for defend myself, which i barely said anything about it. i had every right to be a bitch, she didnt. sometimes its awkward around her, sometimes its not. being in the same room with her is weird, i really want to talk to her but i dont since i'm still mad. appearently this all got started because i became friends with sam weter, which is bullshit, since what does that have to do with anything? i was told it was because i was blowing off sam k for sam w which is so not true, and if i was blowing off sam k then she was doing the same to me. and its bullshit who she is friends with now, im glad i dont have to deal with it. it dissapoints me.

i love that i'm getting closer to different people, but its kinda sad too. since i'm not as close to other people anymore. i really dont want to loose anyone else, but i feel it happening and i hate it. i hate that people dont tell me things anymore, that im the last to know. i feel as though im being abandoned and it really scares me.

im listening to eminem and its so funny, and i love him and i want him to go back on tour and i think he retired but i dont care i wanna see him in concert and i miss listening to him and i think he is one of the sexiest men alive.

my hair changed again, its black. i'm not sure if i like it yet or not but whatever. i'm getting used to it and i'm scrubbing it so the color washes out and its working. its more brown that it was sunday and i'm happy about that. my coontail didnt show up but whatever, i'll redo it.

im done with this update, i feel like im complaining but i'm not. i'm just in this really weird mood right now and i want to go out and have some fun but i dont think i can and i am just plain blah

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 01:35:58 GMT

so i haven't updated in a long time, not since my birthday? no, not since i got my lip done. ha oh well. well, lots has happened not really.

my mom still hasnt seen the lip peircing, but i think i'm going to show her soon. i wanna show her pictures from the dance but you can see the lip stud in like, all of them so i think i'll just keep it in tomorrow and show her the pictures. idk maybe, i'm not sure yet. i prolly will since hiding it is such a pain in the ass. ha.

so like, 2 weeks ago was formal? i think it was two weeks ago. well, anyways, i went with joey, who at the time i liked. he was like, the perfect date. cept he couldnt dance, so we didnt this slowdance/grind/ thing the whole time, which i'm not complaining about ha. but i dont like him anymore and now he is going out with aly, who happens to be one of my good friends and his ex girlfriend. i think it's kinda funny. but anyways, here's some pictures from the dance.

so yea. alex is over!!! me and her are going to put on fake nails! yeayeayeayeyayeayeyaeyaeyed.

okay bye.

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 23:43:38 GMT

so today was a snowday and theres no better time to update so i'm going to do it now. first of all, i really hate that we a had a flipping snow day. we already had one this year! i really don't like snow days, they are so boring since i have to stay home and babysit and i can't walk anywhere and no one will drive anywhere. and plus, because of these stupid snow days, summer starts later that it was supposed to! so great, we have to wait even longer for summer. the one good thing about this snow day was that i finally got around to taking pictures of the snow. even though i only got 2 - 3 good ones but whatever. and since my mom's camera is broken that means i had to use my shitty camera with 6 megapixels and no autofocus and horrible color.

great! now something is wrong with my music. wtf! ugh whatever.

so a week and a half ago i got my lip peirced. wootwoot. it wasnt done very well but whatever, at least i have it now. my mom still hasnt seen it, either i must be really good at hiding things or she is just really stupid. take your pick.

so now i have to go set up my new bed (really its my moms old bed) because i am being pretty much forced to take it since i said i might want it. whateverrrrrrr.

so bye now.

LIP:

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 00:12:12 GMT

so, i dont know what to post about. a lot has happened, but i dont feel like talking about it. why do i even use this thing still if i can barely post?

so, i think i may like someone. but i'm not sure. my feelings are really fucked up right now. i don't know what i want and what im thinking and i'm just so confused. the person i think i like, i cant like him. i think if i did i would really hurt one of my friends and i cant do that again. i know better. so why is it i keep wanting the people who will make me hurt others? oh, and this guy is so NOT my type. nothing like any of my ex's so its kinda weird that i might like him. maybe i just want a change? i really dont know at this point, im feeling knida numb.

i dont know what i am feeling right now. i know i am pissed but i dont know why. i say i dont so why is it affecting me like this? i hate it. i just want to go kick someone's ass or something. get really fucked up! i never want to see this person again so maybe i will stop being like this. but that will never happen! how can it when everywhere i go i see/hear about this person! its royally fucked. i hate it!

i hate that i am not naming names in this. if i was, it would be so much easier to vent. but i dont want to or else i will feel like a fool.

i need to go on a diet, starting tomorrow. im a fucking fatass and i fucking hate it and i want to change. i was thinner in the beginning of the school year but i gained all the fucking weight back. so im going to go on a diet! yeay me. bleh.

TODAY JUST SUCKS ASS!

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 00:08:05 GMT

my birthday was yesterday!

even though i spent my bday with my family instead of my friends it was still really fun. we went out to eat of the place of my choice, the china buffet. ha, we go there all the time. so yea, since i really didnt want to get dressed i just wore my patched jeans which give me a butt, and a lowcut pink tanktop that doesnt cover all of my stomach and even though i am gross and fatty somehow i caught the attention of a very hawt guy. he look about 17-18 and i walk past him and in the mirror i saw him do a double take haha. though he was probualy just going "EW WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING!" but he was sexy and had a very deep and sexy voice and had a kinda beard thing going on and i was seriously in lust. ha!

okay my dad gets a lot of pirated DVDs and i watched the new alvin and the chipmunks and it was seriously adorable! and i watched the new national treasure and it was okay but not great. and then i watched the bucket list! omg it was so good! i basically started crying at the end it was so sad! and it was mucho funny too!

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 21:46:58 GMT

today is the last day of break and its sad, but also i'm really excited to go back to school. i miss my friends who i didnt get to see over break, like sam, russ, megan, cindy, alex, everyone basically.

i saw sweeny todd about two weeks ago with sydney, lindsey, aislin, stephie, and hailey. it was amazing, all the really red fake blood and the songs. i couldnt stop laughing because of the singing but it was an amazing movie and i wouldn't mind seeing it again ha.

lindsey spent two days with sarah and then two days with me. on new years eve we decided to be rebels and go to chi-town even though my mom said we couldn't. we took the train and when we were 20 minutes away from cary my mom called and we almost got caught. but then we figured it out and just rode to past cary to pingree road and then took the train that was going to be at pr like 5 minutes after we got there back to cary, and it was a good thing too, since my mom was waiting for us when we got to the station in cary. we were close to getting caught but we didnt. then later that day we went to lauren's "party" of 6 for new years. it was fun and it wasn't but i liked it and i'm glad i was invited, which was a complete and total shock.

we like to use the bean to put on lipstick ;)

which one is the real me?!

on wednesday me and sydney went to woodfeild mall and had lots of fun and it was great and i really love hanging out with her. we went clearence shopping and she got stuff at AE and i got stuff from other stores; two dresses, a pair of flat green slingbacks, and two tanks tops basically. she was so much fun to go to the mall with!all friday and all saturday i spent the day painting lindsey's room with her. it turned out really good and i love the red and the fact we only did two coats instead of 6 - 8. i had primer in my hair ahahhah and it was a bitch to wash out. then later saturday night me and lindsey and sarah went to the 7:45 showing of Juno and saw lauren and briana and andrew there and then we saw basically everyone we knew at the movies. it was fun-nay. then we went to wal-mart and got hair dye and everything. Juno was the best movie ever and i wanna go see it like, a million more times! i cant wait till i own it on dvd!

i just dyed my hair and it is red red red red and i love it! i'm going to post pictures later but i absolutely love my hair!

my new years resolution is to be better at the following things: being more confident, making friends, keeping old ones, not starting bullshit, having fun, being happy, being a good judge of character, and not letting things could my judgement. oh, and my other new years resolution is to get sydney a boyfriend.

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 19:35:45 GMT

this is a new lj account!

previous lj =>

saidtothedevil